Once More for the Road

Here comes the testosterone! At two weeks prior to my surgery date, I am required to put aside my hormones and various vitamins until I emerge on the other side. This is for my own safety, because having certain things in the bloodstream when undergoing surgery can lead to complications and extra challenges.

I have struggled keeping my testosterone down consistently since I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I either seem to bottom out (no fun) or return to the above average levels I started with (gross). It has only been one day without the spironolactone, the drug keeping my levels down, and I can feel its return like a horny teenager. You know what? I am going to indulge it this time!

Operation: Save the Penis

I had an interesting week. In my most recent post, I mentioned how it has become painful to achieve a full erection. My doctor didn’t know of any cases previously linking hormone replacement therapy with discomfort when trying to have happy time. With a lack of other options, a decision was made to visit the internet and type my problems into Google. I was entirely skeptical of finding any useful results, especially considering I had to include words like “penis” and “erection” in my search terms.

Shockingly, I found a thread full of male-to-female transgender people who were experiencing the exact same symptoms as I am. There was diverse input coming from people at a variety of stages, so I will provide the cliff notes:

Effectively Neutered

When I was little, I always thought it would be cool to have kids. After all, whenever we played Life, I routinely ended up needing a second van to carry all my little munchkins. It seemed like destiny! As I progressed through adolescence, I started focusing on the goals I wanted to achieve in my years on Earth. I crafted the dream of opening my own game studio and working towards starting a foundation to financially support transitioning youth; inspired by my consistent conflict with not having enough discretionary funds a new life.

The more I started thinking about this vision and all the steps it would take to get there, the less it seemed possible for me to start a family along the way. At the age of 21, I was faced with a decision that would abruptly force me to conclude whether or not I would ever want to have my own biological children.

The Matter of Sex

To anyone with sexual desire, sex can be a big part of being human.  Personally, I have never even come close to having sex with another person.  It’s not that I didn’t have opportunities or desires, but that I would stop myself and wouldn’t even try.  It was rather complicated! I was an adolescent girl, who was biologically a boy, definitely attracted to girls, and kind of awkward about it.

Hello? Libido?

My libido has definitely been dampened.  My pre-hormones masturbation schedule was every 2-4 days.  That felt like a healthy rate to me, and my body definitely was ready for the release at that point.  But here I am after 4 full days and I haven’t even been thinking about it.  It is kind of nice to have the clarity and focus all the time without the sexual thoughts intruding at inopportune moments.  I can’t help but wonder if I will still be capable of the sexy activities when I have a partner.