Once More for the Road

Here comes the testosterone! At two weeks prior to my surgery date, I am required to put aside my hormones and various vitamins until I emerge on the other side. This is for my own safety, because having certain things in the bloodstream when undergoing surgery can lead to complications and extra challenges.

I have struggled keeping my testosterone down consistently since I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I either seem to bottom out (no fun) or return to the above average levels I started with (gross). It has only been one day without the spironolactone, the drug keeping my levels down, and I can feel its return like a horny teenager. You know what? I am going to indulge it this time!

Operation: Save the Penis

I had an interesting week. In my most recent post, I mentioned how it has become painful to achieve a full erection. My doctor didn’t know of any cases previously linking hormone replacement therapy with discomfort when trying to have happy time. With a lack of other options, a decision was made to visit the internet and type my problems into Google. I was entirely skeptical of finding any useful results, especially considering I had to include words like “penis” and “erection” in my search terms.

Shockingly, I found a thread full of male-to-female transgender people who were experiencing the exact same symptoms as I am. There was diverse input coming from people at a variety of stages, so I will provide the cliff notes:

Effectively Neutered

When I was little, I always thought it would be cool to have kids. After all, whenever we played Life, I routinely ended up needing a second van to carry all my little munchkins. It seemed like destiny! As I progressed through adolescence, I started focusing on the goals I wanted to achieve in my years on Earth. I crafted the dream of opening my own game studio and working towards starting a foundation to financially support transitioning youth; inspired by my consistent conflict with not having enough discretionary funds a new life.

The more I started thinking about this vision and all the steps it would take to get there, the less it seemed possible for me to start a family along the way. At the age of 21, I was faced with a decision that would abruptly force me to conclude whether or not I would ever want to have my own biological children.

A Side of Discomfort, Please!

As I cross the threshold into my home, I am bombarded with the physical agitation my body has been enduring throughout the day. Upon reaching my room I rip my shirt off, and feel a nag from the glue that holds my breasts in place. By now I have red memories on my skin from holding the weight of the prostheses to my chest for the many hours I was out being myself. Of course, there are other options for creating the illusion of having natural breasts, but these are the most realistic I can get in my current state. I enjoy having the proper weight and consistency of these silicone breasts to my cheaper alternatives.

I remove the bra that has held me together and peel the silicone forms off, leaving behind teardrop imprints on my skin. The rush of fresh air on my nipples that have been neglected for far too long is euphoric. Depending on how desperately I wish to regain homeostasis, I will either wash off the remaining glue by awkwardly hovering over a sink while attempting to splash water on my chest, or I’ll be more intelligent and grab a towel to wipe it down.

Hello? Libido?

My libido has definitely been dampened.  My pre-hormones masturbation schedule was every 2-4 days.  That felt like a healthy rate to me, and my body definitely was ready for the release at that point.  But here I am after 4 full days and I haven’t even been thinking about it.  It is kind of nice to have the clarity and focus all the time without the sexual thoughts intruding at inopportune moments.  I can’t help but wonder if I will still be capable of the sexy activities when I have a partner.

That’s A Little Different

I started hormones yesterday, which meant for about the last.. 27 hours I have had female hormones running through my veins.  I knew all about the timeline for the changes to start happening, but of course my brain chose to ignore all reason and expect things to happen now now now.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

But I was curious about some things.  Specifically, sex.  Being on testosterone suppressants and estrogen causes a decreased libido, the testicles to shrink, infertility, and erectile dysfunction.  Sounds appealing, doesn’t it?  I know I had only been on the drugs for a little over a day, but I was interested to see if I was already being affected.  I may not be a penis fan, but I was definitely a supporter of the orgasm.

I decided the best way to determine the answer was the hands-on approach.  I hit my usual material and was able to be quickly aroused, so that part passed with some relief.  However, after what seemed like several minutes, my body wasn’t any closer to the euphoria I was trying to achieve.  Like not at all.  Nothing.

Now I’m not saying the hormones are the reason for this.  It very well could be my psychological state and being anxious about the result.  I was unable to achieve orgasm by the conventional means, and had to resort to anal stimulation to get there.  I’m curious to see what happens as the pages turn forward.  Sigh.. oh dear.  Guess I will be doing more research!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

It is an absolutely distilling feeling to arrive at a day that I have looked forward to for years.  There was one particular moment that I flashed back to, years before, as I held my first dose of estrogen in my palm.  I was sitting in front of a mirror, and staring into myself.  I was a boy of about 14 years, and I was dressed up like a girl.

There I sat, looking into my eyes, trying to see my future.  It was in that moment that I decided it would never be possible for me to be who I really am.  In that moment, I declared that I would never have the strength to transition and be a woman.  In that moment, I declared I would shove this part of me down deep, and get on with life like everyone else.