My Number One Problem

This feels like a ridiculous thing to be writing about. Figuring out the mechanics of the bathroom seems better suited to a potty training blog for first-time mothers. Nonetheless, here we are. Bear with me, this is surprisingly relevant.

Bathrooms have become the prime public focus on the forefront of trans rights ever since North Carolina passed a bathroom bill in 2016, which compelled schools and public facilities containing single-gender washrooms to only allow people of the corresponding biological sex. Other states over the last few years have passed variants of restrictive bathroom legislation, or come remarkably close to doing so. Although this has obvious infringements on transgender rights, I argue the principal is far more psychologically damaging.

Every Single Day

Mental health is largely ignored and undervalued in this country. People hide their abnormalities like it will devalue them, and most everyone around them is too afraid to ask about it. This standoff deprives both parties; the former continues through life feeling like their everyday struggles are insignificant to other people, and the latter misses a valuable opportunity to understand how something simple for them can be monumental for another.

I have found this particularly frustrating with being transgender. People around me were curious enough to ask questions and reach out following my announcement and at the beginning of my public transition. The questions were pretty standard:

“How long have you known?”

“Does this mean you like guys now?”

“Are you going to have surgery? Are you sure?”

Dreams Don’t Lie

It is an odd feeling to wake up angry. Anger is a choice I do not allow myself to make. To find myself launching a new day with vexation practically had me waking up underneath the bed. Surely, the world was upside down! The challenges I have battled throughout my transition revealed to me how much mind and body are connected–despite my historic determination to rule them separately.

Dreams have been a quality assurance process on my daily living. There were common themes of violence against me when I was struggling to grasp my gender identity, which has subsided since I got my breast augmentation. That surgery was my first real physical step towards aligning my mental and physical states, and it demonstrated significant improvement to my mental well-being. There has been a transgender dream drought recently, but it abruptly came to an end when somebody at my office dropped the wrong pro-nouns on me in the break room.

Surviving Electrolysis

Electrolysis sucks. Don’t get me wrong, the technology is impressive and effective–but it sucks! Thinking about it sucks. Remaining still on the table through hours of pain sucks. Being nagged by the irritation for the days to follow sucks. The cost? Sucks! But it doesn’t have to.

I have employed a variety of tactics in an attempt to make the experience a bit more bearable: pain killers, music, day dreaming, numbing cream, ice, and various mental exercises. None of these stopped me from breaking down a few times after some of the longer sessions. I did better in the beginning, which I had thought would be the worst, and most intensive part of the journey. Life never ceases to prove me wrong!

Eye on the Prize

Being transgender sucks. I have been made better for having gone through as much of the transition as I have, but much of that growth was only after being thrown to the floor. Why does it suck? Societal conflicts aside, there are countless painful experiences I must endure while on the pursuit to becoming whole. Most recently, I laid bare on a table while two women I had just met spent hours performing electrolysis on my crotch.

Getting a vaginoplasty is one of the largest remaining steps for me to become the woman I am meant to be. I knew it would be one of the the most difficult and significant challenges I would face in my life, which is why I was somewhat reluctant to start pursuing it. This surgery requires a perfect orchestration of time, money, and mental fortitude. My surgery date should be determined within the next couple weeks, but a solid six months of painful preparation remain. I did not realize how much I would have to go through before the surgery itself. In my mind, the operation and the immediate recovery was going to be the most difficult part of it all… then I actually committed to the journey.

Girls Night Out

Did you know there is something called a period blanket? Yeah. That’s a thing. It costs around $300 and is designed to make sex more tenable during that time of the month.

You can get back at your arch-nemesis by painting their walls with milk. I feel obligated to say you shouldn’t do this…

30% of the women in my office are gay (myself included).

These are some of the things I learned while participating in my first ever girls night out!

Smoke and Mirrors

Hair, makeup, outfit, primping. Sometimes it feels like I’m putting on a show. If I stopped putting myself together for a few days, no one would believe I am a woman–not for a second. Throwing on some sweat pants and a t-shirt with an unshaven face shines me in a different light few people have seen since I transitioned. The only people I allow to witness me in this state are my family–more specifically my mother and brother. It is possible for me to do this without stress, embarrassment, or anxiety because I know they won’t judge me in any way, or put me in a situation where I would be uncomfortable. This is not the case with my father as of yet.

My dad is not as empathetic, and sometimes mentions things that are off about my appearance. He made a comment on the frizz in my hair when I was growing it out and trying to figure out the proper maintenance routine. Although it may have come from a place of sincerity within him, it left me feeling insecure about it. This remains true years later, even though I have made vast improvements since that day. He is not a malicious man, but I know he will notice if step off my game, and he would be the one to tell me when I am not looking my best. This has made me uncomfortable with seeing him without putting on the show.

The Next Transition

It seems like I have been living at my desk for the last few weeks. I guess that can be expected since I am graduating from college in 23 days!! After countless hours of lost sleep, a few parking tickets, and many other challenges, it would seem I am moving into the professional world. Every single person in my class is anxious about the job hunt and their prospects for lucrative employment. It would take blind optimism to not be a little nervous given the state of our industry around here. The possibilities are out there, but supply pales in comparison to the demand for jobs, and therefore the market is extremely selective.

My peers are working around the clock to get their work and professional appearance to the best possible place. I am doing much of the same, but I have other more pressing concerns to worry about; my physical appearance. In a market that can afford to be picky, any extra details that can be discriminated against could cut me out of the race. Because of this, I am working in parallel to better my feminine presence along with the professional. I do have an advantage over my peers because I am the only female in this class.

The kinds of studios I am looking to work at are mostly male dominated. If I enter the ring as a beautiful woman with a killer portfolio, my chances are pretty good. Naturally, I am now completely obsessed with making myself look the best I possibly can in an effort to achieve steady employment.

10 Tips to a Happy Trans Girl

Sometimes the smallest and silliest of things can make a mood fluctuate dramatically. Even when it seems that I’ve got it all together, something ridiculous like an uncooperative parking meter can break through and cause an avalanche of stored up emotions. Since I started my transition from male to female, I have noticed certain trends have routinely contributed towards a positive outlook on life, and their counterparts.

1. Avoid too much naked mirror time. 

This one is absolutely not specific to being transgender. Anyone with insecurities or negative associations with their body could easily be brought down by staring into the judgement of a mirror. Even though I have an ectomorph (skinny/lean) body type, it is definitely male. Between my wide shoulders, absent curves, body hair, flat chest, and penis, it can be a bit of downer to gaze at my naked reflection. The conflict between being unquestionably female on the inside and my body unmistakably male on the outside can occasionally break my defenses and leave me feeling deeply insecure. As I move along in the transition, some of these things will be quite different. For now, I have found that it is best to avoid too much time in front of reflective surfaces when I am naked.

Hello World!

The first time I went out into the world as a woman was to a Walmart in 2013. I was wearing cheap clothes that barely fit, sloppy makeup, a blonde wig, and shoes that were at least one size too small. It really doesn’t sound like I had my act together, but it took a lot of effort to even get that far.

Up until this point I had 18 years of male living that had shaped me into the person I was. That’s nearly two decades of experience being someone I wasn’t supposed to be. Dressing up as female to go out into the world for the first time was my opportunity to start a new branch in my life. Being the over analytical person I am, there was no small amount of contemplation and preparation that went into this moment. The appropriate degree of physical and mental readiness was required for me to embark upon this maiden voyage!